Chapter 9 - I TOOK LILY BACK TO THE ROADWhen Lily turned nine, she asked to see where her mother died.
My first answer was no.
Too fast.
Too protective.
Then I caught myself.
“Why do you want to go?”
She shrugged.
“I don’t remember the road anymore.”
“That might be okay.”
“I know.”
She looked at me.
“But it’s part of my story.”
That sounded like something Dr. Morgan would say.
Probably because it was.
We discussed it with her therapist.
Then we went.
The road outside Lake Forest had changed.
New guardrail.
Wider shoulder.
Trees taller.
A small memorial marker remained near the place Hannah’s car left the road.
Claire met us there.
Lily brought daisies.
We stood quietly.
Then she asked:
“Was Mommy scared?”
I answered truthfully.
“Probably.”
“Was she mad?”
“Probably.”
“At Rebecca?”
“Yes.”
Lily nodded.
Then:
“Did Mommy know I was okay?”
That question hurt the most.
“I don’t know.”
She looked toward the trees.
“I hope she did.”
“So do I.”
Lily placed the daisies down.
Then whispered:
“I’m okay now.”
My throat closed.
Claire started crying.
I did too.
Lily rolled her eyes.
“Adults.”
Then she walked back toward the car.
That was Lily.
Hannah would have laughed.
On the drive home, Lily asked:
“Do you hate Rebecca?”
I thought for a long moment.
“No.”
She looked surprised.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to spend every day carrying her around in my head.”
“Do you forgive her?”
“Not the way people usually mean that.”
“What way do you mean?”
“I accept that what happened happened.”
She waited.
“And I don’t need revenge every morning to prove it mattered.”
Lily looked out the window.
“Can I be mad?”
“Absolutely.”
“For how long?”
“As long as you need.”
She nodded.
Then:
“I’m hungry.”
Trauma and snacks.
May you like
Childhood keeps moving.
That was one of its gifts.
