Chapter 9 - DANIEL BECAME A FATHER AND FINALLY UNDERSTOOD WHY I WAS AFRAID
At thirty-one, Daniel had a daughter.
Grace.
When she was six weeks old, he called me at 2 a.m.
“Mom.”
I sat up.
“What?”
“She won’t sleep.”
I smiled.
“Welcome.”
Then he said:
“I keep thinking about Caroline.”
There.
Holding six-week-old baby changed scale.
“How could she leave me?”
He sounded angry again.
Healing not linear.
I answered:
“She was sick and scared.”
“That doesn’t make it okay.”
“No.”
Then:
“How did you do it at twenty-three?”
“I didn’t know what I was doing.”
He laughed softly.
Then:
“Did you ever resent me?”
I could have lied.
“Yes.”
Silence.
“When?”
“At three in morning.”
He laughed harder.
Then I said:
“Not for existing. For how hard life got.”
Important.
Then:
“Did that scare you?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because good parents can have ugly feelings.”
He was quiet.
Then:
“I’m afraid of failing Grace.”
“You will fail at things.”
“Helpful.”
“Then repair.”
That was lesson our family learned late.
Not perfection.
Repair before nineteen years.
Then he took Grace to meet Caroline.
Caroline held granddaughter carefully.
Cried.
Later told Daniel:
“I wish I had been able to do this with you.”
He replied:
“You did hold me.”
That surprised.
He had seen photo.
One recovered from hospital file.
Caroline holding newborn Daniel.
Looking exhausted and terrified.
Not monster.
A mother who failed later.
Then:
“You were there at beginning.”
She nodded.
“And Rachel was there after.”
“Yes.”
Then:
May you like
“I don’t need erase either.”
There.
