Chapter 7 - THE DAY I SAW VANESSA AGAIN
I was twelve when I chose to meet Vanessa.
Neutral therapist office.
Dad and Mom both asked if sure.
“Yes.”
Vanessa entered slowly.
She looked older.
No perfect hair.
No expensive coat.
“Hi, Lily.”
“Hi.”
She did not call me sweetheart.
Good.
Then:
“I’m sorry.”
“I read letters.”
“I know.”
I asked:
“Did you really love Dad?”
“Yes.”
“Did you love me?”
“Yes.”
“Did you love us when Mom was alive?”
She stopped.
“I loved what I wanted us to become.”
Not same.
Then:
“I cared for you after Emma disappeared.”
“Yes.”
“I also wanted you to forget her.”
“Yes.”
“That was wrong.”
I asked:
“Why did you hide passport?”
She answered directly.
“Because I panicked.”
“Why not let her see me?”
“Because if she came back, Daniel would learn what I did.”
“So you chose yourself.”
“Yes.”
No excuse.
Then:
“Why necklace?”
She closed eyes.
“I needed a reason for adults to think you lied.”
“Because trust?”
“Yes.”
“And because you kept asking about your mom.”
Yes.
Then I asked:
“Were you going to keep me in bathroom long?”
She looked ashamed.
“Twenty minutes. Maybe thirty.”
I stared.
“That’s long when you’re seven.”
“I know now.”
“You knew then.”
She cried.
“Yes.”
Good.
Then:
“Do you want me to forgive?”
“I want you to be okay.”
“That’s not answer.”
She smiled sadly.
“You sound like Emma.”
Then:
“No. I don’t expect forgiveness.”
I thought.
“I forgive some.”
She cried harder.
“But I don’t want you to be my mom.”
“I know.”
“And I don’t want you at our house.”
“Okay.”
Boundary accepted.
Then she asked:
“Can I write once a year?”
I said:
“Maybe.”
Therapist helped define.
Birthday card, no gifts, no surprise contact.
Good.
Then meeting ended.
No hug.
I felt lighter.
Not because absolution.
Because she could no longer define relationship.
I did.
Then Mom asked:
“How was it?”
“Weird.”
“Good weird or bad?”
“Both.”
She nodded.
Then Dad:
“Do you hate her?”
“No.”
He looked surprised.
“I hate what she did.”
Mom smiled slightly.
Maturity maybe.
Then I said:
“But I don’t trust her.”
May you like
Also.
Forgiveness and trust separate.
